Why Do You Feel Like a Fraud?
By Dr. Valerie Young
Do you dismiss your accomplishments as a “fluke” or “no big deal”? Are you crushed by even constructive criticism? Do you feel like you’ve “fooled” others into thinking that you’re more intelligent than you “know yourself to be.” If so, join the club!
There are lots of reasons why people feel like intellectual frauds. Psychologists look primarily to the expectations and messages you received as a child. For example, having parents who expected perfection or over-emphasis on results vs. effort, a notable lack of praise, or being over-protected from risk taking or failure.
Others take a more societal perspective. Examples here include the pressure to “do more with less,” working in a highly competitive environment like academia, being a first-generation professional, or being one of the “first or the few” in your workplace or field based on your race, gender, physical ability etc. Why do you feel like a fraud? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Please include as much information as you feel comfortable sharing – first name, current occupation, age, racial/ethnic background, state/province/country. Share as much or as little as you like. No matter what you share, I think just reading other people’s stories will be enlightening to all.
Comment by Paula
I was a gifted child, so my parents expected me to be good at everything. (I was once rebuked for scoring in the 98th percentile on a standardized test. It was the highest possible score, and meant that I was in the top 2%, but my mother’s comment was “Why can’t you get 100%?”) My parents also firmly believed that you shouldn’t praise a child for doing well because it would make the child complacent and unwilling to try any harder. So if I didn’t do as well at something as they thought I should, I was rebuked for “not trying hard enough”; if I did do well, I got a lukewarm “isn’t that nice, and we’ll expect you to do even better next time”! The result, of course, was that I was so discouraged that I became a chronic underachiever, and I didn’t get over that until I was in high school and began to get interested in my subjects for their own sake. I also had an unrealistic sense of what “doing well” meant — so it took me years of academic and professional achievements before I began to believe that I really WAS a competent professional! (My parents both came from lower-middle-class backgrounds. My mother wanted to be a teacher, but her father thought that educating women was a waste of money because “you’ll just get married and quit working.” My father was raised by his mother, had a spotty education, and completed his B.A. and M.A. while working and supporting a family. They both strongly believed in education, which was great; but they also couldn’t understand why I didn’t CARE about getting straight A’s because, well, shouldn’t I want to?)
Comment by Robert
I too was a gifted child, at least academically. Schoolwork came easily to me, and I was praised for my straight-A report cards. Physically, though, I was a fairly weak and skinny kid — I learned to do the things I’d get praised for and avoid the things I didn’t do so well. In general, this paid off well and I graduated from high school at the top of my class and thought I could take on the world.
Meanwhile, perfectionism lurked behind the scenes — I would be disappointed with scoring 99 on a test. When I moved from my poor public high school to a demanding private university, I felt like everyone from home was watching to see how I would do. I put a lot of pressure on myself… and my easy trip through high school had failed to prepare me for the workload that faced me in college. In my third semester, I had a depressive episode and completely failed out.
From that day, I have felt like an impostor. I was valedictorian of my high school class, after years and years of straight-A report cards, I scored well on the SAT and ACT, and I appeared to have a bright and shining future — and then I failed out of college. I had basically built my self-image around my academic achievement, and when that was gone I had nothing. Defeated and destroyed, I slunk into the workforce.
For many years, I have feared discovery — even from people who knew I didn’t finish college. I have worked in computer programming and web development for 15 years, but the cloud still lurks over my head. Years ago, a co-worker suggested that I look into completing my degree online, because some day my lack of a degree would simply disqualify me from advancement.
About a year and a half ago, not long before my 40th birthday, I completed my bachelor’s degree online. I’m currently enrolled in an MBA program. And I still feel like an impostor. Yes, sometimes I take my bachelor’s diploma out and look at it to remind myself that I have overcome the past and demonstrated that I can still be an excellent student, but old habits die hard. For the MBA, I’m consdering getting a class ring just so I’ll have an ever-present reminder that I really am good, that my fears are not justified.
I am one of those first-generation professional types, and perhaps not measuring up to my father (and his expectations) in physical ways has left a permanent “not good enough” stamp on me that my college failure only reinforced. After all, if I wasn’t good enough for my own family, who else would be satisfied with me? Why should I be satisfied with me? (Physically, I did finally fill out, and now I’m big and strong. And happily married, so I did find someone who’s satisfied with me.)
Yes, I could go on for weeks in this vein, but I’ll stop now. I’ve found a lot of myself in the workshop CD, and I’ll probably find a lot in the book too. I’m working on myself, working through the fears and worries, trying to be better for me and for the others in my life and work.
Comment by Cindy
What a great question. The minute I read it, a hundred things became clear. I’m a 53 year old, white, married, successfully self-employed professional woman with 2 well adjusted teen-age sons. From a very early age, it was very clear to me that my father valued highly intelligent, attractive, people. What that meant was, people who thought just like him. So, I spent my life either going along with him to keep the peace, not daring to express my (divergent)opinion. I never felt good enough, smart enough, always feared that if I didn’t live up to his standards, I would lose his love and acceptance. On those occasions when I risked disagreeing or sharing a different opinion, I felt the need to justify and defend my opinions with objective data(not that that did me any good). I never learned the distinction between making a mistake and being a failure. So now, I have body image issues along with the constant concern that if I disagree with someone else I will be disliked and rejected and if I make a mistake, I am a failure. I’m an extrovert and very intiuitive but I always feel ‘less than’ those who are theoretical and present a lot of empirical, supporting facts. My internal motto is, “don’t confuse me with the facts” but externally I feel like an imposter because I can’t always support my opinions or positions with data.
So, I sort of live like I’m only as good as the last person I pleased. Yuck! Thanks for asking. By the way, I’ve heard that the Millenials don’t suffer from the Imposter Syndrome. Is that true?
Comment by Nancy
I’m not sure why I decided to answer this. I don’t think I fit the classic profile. I don’t think I feel like an imposter. But, something drew me to it. I went to your website and took the quiz. I answered yes to:
“Do you sometimes shy away from challenges because of nagging self-doubt?” and…
“Do you hate making a mistake, being less than fully prepared or not doing things perfectly?” and…
“Do you tend to feel crushed by even constructive criticism, seeing it as evidence of your “ineptness’?”
I did have a childhood where I was constantly criticized for not being perfect. I cannot remember being praised. I read some of the other comments and recognize myself in parts of some of them…the need to please…the need to be accepted…the fear of trusting my own judgement.
I have spent my life avoiding anything where I would be judged. I loved to write and draw and paint, but I made a career in accounting because no one could argue that I was wrong if the numbers added up.
My biggest regret is that I was nearly as critical of my sons as my family had been of me. Neither of them has been very successful and I feel that it is mostly my fault.
I am now 62 years old and am finally starting to come out of my shell. I have placed paintings with a gallery and submitted articles and books for publication. I have done this by learning to remove the bad programming in my subconscious with the help of “The Secret” and “The Missing Secret” programs.
I still hate making a mistake and I’m not sure how I will react to criticism as I have not experienced any lately. But I feel that I’m living proof that feelings of inadequacy can be improved and that we are not locked into the box that we were put in as children.
Comment by Dawn
This question made me stop and take a look at defining “this” this feeling, thought, habit, mentality.. Generational speaking I have strong influences from maternal grandparents (one filipino (lost generation grandfather), one polish(GI generation grandmother - a entrepreneur and maverick in her heyday 1950s).. both came from the “old country” - one born 1899, one 1918 - very old school, depression-era - hard work, 20 years, one company, then retire) My parents (one baby boomer mom (lead by consensus generation) and silent generation dad (lead by authority) influenced my approach to things ideas. For the record, I am considered a part of Generation X or Generation 13, depending on which authority - that would be the 10th(or 13th) generation of Americans born since Virginia Dare.
I grew up with the thoughts of - Not rocking the boat, Take care of the company and the company will take care of you..Sticking by the tried and true; sticking with the male point of view because it was weighted heavier/more valid than a female point of view. Children were seen and not heard..
This created self-doubt even with knowledge and know how. It created a constant need to make sure everything was ok. I was second guessing myself, ideas - sometimes to the point where I would talk myself out of things that I was passionate about simply because “I am not good enough.. I am not smart enough.. Maybe this shouldn’t be me stepping in to do this..” - Enough to drive one nuts! So, I recognize when this happens and still more forward, but slower. I can tell I do a lot of “dry runs”. I will recommend ways, systems, great things to other people.. they do it successfully… and then I may or may not try it. I’ve started taking those reins back too. Aren’t we all simply a work in progress? Thanks for allowing me to share!
Comment by Stacey
Hi my name is Stacey Becco, I live in Lexington Ky. I’ve just relocated here from New York City for the second time. I have two beautiful young adult sons, one who lives on his own and an eighteen year old, enterering college in the Spring 09. I’ve raised my sons primaily by myself with the help of my extended family, I’ve earned a four year college degree in May of 07, I’m an textile artist who has exhibited my work, and many other accomplishments and yet I can’t see the value in all I’ve done. I’m having a difficult time finding employment and I just feel like this unskilled person. I know inmy heart that I’ve raised exceptional young men and that is a huge accomplishment in this day and age. I know that to complete a advanced degree is a great feat for a single mother, finacially and legistically, when considering child care. I still feel like a failure sometimes, and I have to push past my self esteem issues to expand myself and pursue my dreams.
Comment by mark
Can you tell me how big is the book / workshop and why is there a delivery charge if I am only downloading it? Thanks, martin
Comment by Valerie Young
Hi Martin,
There is no shipping charge if you just purchase the eBook of “How to Feel As Bright and Capable As Everyone Seems to Think You Are”; however, if you purchase the eBook/CD combo there is a charge. The eBook is 124 pages.
Valerie