I believe most people want to do their best work.
But when you feel like an impostor, “best” means expectations that go far beyond doing well.
Over the years, you’ve adopted assumptions about what’s required for you to be considered talented, knowledgeable, skilled, or, in a word, “good” enough.
Assumptions that have everything to do with how competent and confident you feel.
The fact that everyone else sees a competent individual, where you see an inadequate fraud, tells me that you operate from a “competence playbook” that bears little resemblance to reality.
This competence rulebook varies but often includes one or more beliefs that if you were “really” intelligent, capable, talented, or qualified, you should:
- be able to do and figure everything out on your own
- excel at everything you do
- know 150 percent before you raise your hand, launch a business, write a book, or seek a promotion
- pick things up quickly and easily.
- perform flawlessly
- never make a mistake or fail
If that sounds familiar, I have news for you:
You are never going to consistently reach that unrealistic bar you’ve set for yourself – e-v-e-r.
That’s why if you truly want to unlearn impostor syndrome, you must adjust your self-limiting thinking as to what it takes to be competent.
That requires learning to think like someone who is genuinely humble but who has never experienced impostor feelings.
I refer to this person as a Humble Realist.™
The fact that they don’t identify with impostor syndrome doesn’t necessarily make a Humble Realist more capable or even more confident than those who do.
The only difference is that when faced with the same situation that triggers impostor feelings in you — a job interview, compliments, public speaking, a promotion, or failing — Humble Realists are thinking different thoughts.
Which is incredibly good news.
Because instead of the exhausting work of battling your “inner critic,” you simply need to shift your thinking.
How to Think Like a Humble Realist™
Humble realists think differently in three specific ways:
1) Humble Realists™ have a realistic understanding of what it means to be competent.
They don’t hold themselves to the idealistic standards characterized by the aspect of my work that’s become known as the “5 types of impostor syndrome.”
Unlike…
The Perfectionist, who sees competence as flawless work…
The Expert, who sees competence as knowing it all…
The Natural Genius, who sees competence in terms of ease and speed…
The Soloist, who assumes competence requires unaided achievement…
The Superhuman, who sees competence as the ability to excel at everything…
The Humble Realist knows:
- “I may be inexperienced, but I’m capable of growing into the role.”
- “It may not be perfect, but it’s good enough.”
- “The more I do anything, the better I’ll get.”
- “I’ve never done this before, but I’m ‘smart’ enough to figure it out.”
- “I don’t need to know everything, I just need to find someone who does.”
2) Humble Realists have a healthy response to failure, mistakes, setbacks, and constructive feedback.
Instead of viewing failure and mistakes as proof of our ineptness, as people with impostor syndrome do, Humble Realists™ see wins and losses, slipups and rejections as part of the normal ups and downs of achieving.
That’s not to say they’re unfazed if they fail.
Indeed, they can be crushingly disappointed.
However, instead of the shame and self-incrimination that “impostors” often feel, Humble Realists focus on learning from setbacks, regrouping, and trying again.
It’s the same for constructive criticism.
It may still sting… and that’s okay.
The difference is that, instead of being devastated – or worse, defined by it – Humble Realists see even negative feedback as a gift.
Even if someone compliments their work, they’re apt to say, “Thank you so much. What’s one thing I could have done even better?”
3) Humble Realists understand that a certain amount of fear and self-doubt is part of the achievement journey.
Since they don’t conflate confidence and competence the way people with impostor syndrome do, Humble Realists don’t expect to feel confident 24/7.
They know that even the most talented and accomplished people on the planet experience normal fear and self-doubt.
It’s what you DO with these feelings that matters.
Besides, You Don’t Need to Change Yourself
Striving to be a Humble Realist isn’t about trying to “banish your inner critic.”
(Which frankly sounds exhausting.)
Nor is it about giving yourself or others a pep talk.
“You can do it, Sonya!”
“You’ve got this, Dave!”
“You deserve to be here, Tanisha!”
If all it took were some encouraging words, impostor syndrome would have disappeared long ago.
Instead of trying to change yourself, you just need to change your thoughts.
Will you believe the new thoughts?
Probably not; at least not initially.
The important part is that you act like someone who genuinely believes them.
The Bottom Line
Becoming a Humble Realist requires a fundamental shift in the way you view competence, fear, and self-doubt, as well as how you respond to failure, mistakes, setbacks, and constructive feedback.
This redefining process is, bar none, your fastest path to confidence.
